Everything we hear, see, smell, and experience on a daily basis has the power to define us, to erode our sense of self-worth or boost us to a level of euphoria we never believed possible. One fight or spoken sentiment can redefine an entire relationship—break it, repair it. Even prolonged silence can be damaging.
Before Christmas this year, my mother brought over a box full of old family photos. I believed they had been lost in the many times we moved. Some were sticky with humidity damage, but the majority survived. Though those photos do not define my childhood, a few faded pictures gave me something precious: proof that for the first three years of my life, my dad enjoyed short bursts of parenthood. I kept one photo of 18 month old, grinning me riding on his shoulders. It brings me so much joy.
I lost my dad last year, just before Thanksgiving.
Along with those paper-preserved memories, my mom also brought a box of old things she believed were mine. The contents awakened an old ache. The items inside belong to a good friend who lived with us for a short time. I haven't spoken to that friend in ten years. I pray for her often and tried to reach out a few years back. Nothing.
People grow and change. Priorities shift. Sometimes strong bonds unravel due to packed schedules or rough life patches. When I'm reading, I always connect with characters who struggle with mending broken bonds due to their own guilt. Because I understand the pain of rejection, I can more accurately channel that pain into writing. People who dwell on past pain often cause pain for others.
Broken relationships hurt, but they are meant to grow us, not define us.
But I still fall into the negative trap. Those times when I let a callous word fly or allowed my opinion of someone's pain to override being compassionate to that person through it, those are the worst for me. In the case of my old friend, we both did and said things that damaged years of camaraderie. When I realized how selfish and cowardly I had been and longed to apologize, she no longer spoke to me.
What's worse, I couldn't blame her.
I added that shattered relationship to the pile. It reminded me that my dad didn't want to be around me either. Other friends and boyfriends fell away for various reasons. I wasn't always the main problem, but I had to own the fact that I was present in each of those situations. I could have fought harder, responded with kindness instead of reacted with anger or bitterness, but I didn't always.
"I didn't always" became "I don't ever say/do the right thing" which then became "I'm a mess, so people have every right to eventually leave me."
This is an unhealthy view of both myself and others. I know that, but it's difficult to change. Our pasts bump up against current world views and perpetually shifting cultural norms. All the gunk spills out and makes us feel inadequate.
But I've been praying for truth to shine through the lies—lies of cultural pressure, past pain, and current controversy. Hurtful lies often disguise themselves as good things. "Progressive thinking" sounds positive, but where does this progress lead? Is it good for everyone, or does it allow specific groups of people to justify hurting or excluding others? "Change is good" sounds right, but what kind of "change" is it?
If I am going to change myself, I need to work toward a healthier mindset: one that exudes love toward all others. For me, this mindset can only come from God. Others may find it a different way, but I want define every thought, every word, every action using this method:
Is it kind? Pure? Praiseworthy? Uplifting? Encouraging? Noble? True? Joyful? Peaceful? Patient?
To sum it all up: am I loving others?
This method also needs to apply to my self-image. No human should have to change anything physical about themselves to be accepted. Internal change is where love grows and connections are mended. If I could reconnect with my former friend and start over, I would give her a heartfelt apology. In the past six or so years, I reconnected with my dad. I didn't know I would lose him so soon. The pain of past rejection is still there, but I chose to move past the bitterness and toward a healthy relationship.
When he was lying unresponsive on that hospital bed, the hard work and awkward conversations were worth it.
I experienced all the pain and growth through my life for a reason. Pain can always be leveraged for good, if we allow it. Past hurt can turn into grounds for connection we may never have had before. I can fully relate to others who grew up with parental rejection, those who have had painful breakups, and those who struggle with certain physical or emotional issues. As often as I can, I pump these experiences into my characters.
- Mariah is a sheltered woman who longs to experience life outside her safety bubble.
- Dawn struggles with letting her past mistakes define her, but she overcomes them with love.
- Jilly longs for true love, but she fills the void of family rejections with toxic relationships.
- Harmony had a painful rejection from her sister, and those feelings transfer into her marriage.
- Penn grew up relying on her own strength, so she struggles to rely on others.
All these characters and their qualities mirror my own in some way. They spawned entire novels in hopes that I will be able to remind others that there is hope. There is a better way than letting other people, our pasts, culture, or even misuse of the word "progress" to define us. We have the amazing opportunity every day to add light into the world. It's not easy, especially when people give us every justifiable reason to hold a grudge, but it's our choice.
Will I be bitter? Or will I reach out even when I'm hurting and help someone else?
These are the stories we love to hear. Stories of people pressing through their pain to uplift, repair, and persevere. I hope I can pass this feeling onto others, through my writing and through my actions. I won't always get it right, but I won't give up when I stumble. It may take a long prayer walk, a cup of warm tea, or snuggling with my husband, but I want to be someone who most often generates positive feelings in others.
Keep on smilin'!
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