Looking back on life stages can trigger a multitude of emotions and memories. This picture is from my first trip to Big Island, Hawaii. It was 2017, Mile Marker 75 on the Ka U Scenic Byway. There I sat on the southwestern edge of the US, gazing out into nothing but untouched beauty: the aftermath of an ancient volcano's artwork.
Soon, I'll be back on Big Island, exploring its beauty again. Every time we go to Hawaii, no matter which island, I discover something new to love.
When it comes to writing, however, a backward glance can elicit reactions from cringing to hovering and index finger over the "delete" button. We all start somewhere. Those old habits can trickle back in when we're getting lazy. We've all seen errors and lackluster scenes in best-selling novels. No one is immune, and fighting back takes constant practice and outside critiques.
The continued learning process gave me an idea. Why not call myself out? I reached all the way back to the same year this photo was taken and snatched a piece of writing from one of Serene Sundown's earliest drafts. Here it is, in its untouched glory:
——Mariah was beginning to wonder if there was going to be an end to the match. Every time Ricky backed off, Westly would close the gap. Their blows looked even to her.
When Ricky finally managed to fake Westly out and pin him, Mariah stared in awe. It had been an amazing spectacle.
"Wow, you're both incredible! You looked like you could fight like that forever!"
After standing up, Mariah applauded a little.——
I claim this mess with all its faults. At least there aren't any typos. As glue word-laden as it is, I never could have reached the final product—and the following two novels in the SS trilogy—without getting to this point first. Therefore, I regret nothing.
I do wonder what would happen if I picked this piece apart and rewrote it with the skills I have now. Yes, I have tweaked and rewritten this scene dozens of time over already. It resembles none of this brief glimpse. But what if I just focused on this section and went line by line? This mess can still serve me today: a reminder of how I've grown.
Onward to critiquing my own work.
Mariah was beginning to wonder if there was going to be an end to the match. Every time Ricky backed off, Westly would close the gap. Their blows looked even to her.
At a glance, this section isn't horrid. It's first draft placeholder material. Apart from the overwriting and bland telling, the scene is still readable as two guys testing their sparring skills while Mariah watches. The first sentence alone screams amateur. Whittling it down helps.
Mariah was beginning to wonder can be shortened to Mariah wondered. That takes care of the overwriting. But, Mariah wondered is still filtering. Sometimes filtering works with a scene. In this case, the filtering keeps us in Mariah's head when we would rather focus on the boys just like she is. An action beat or engaging a sense would help replace "wondered."
The last part, if there was going to be an end to the match, can be whittled down to if the match would end. Short and tight. The comparison is self-explanatory.
Overwritten: Mariah was beginning to wonder if there was going to be an end to the match.
Tighter: Mariah wondered if the match would end.
Sayonara overwriting. Good ol' editing 101: Hold every sentence captive and make it as clear and concise as possible. After seven novels, I should have this concept down, right? Pfff, no. I need constant reminders just like everyone else, published or not.
To rewrite the entire bit, let's see if I can paint a stronger visual without stretching this out.
Mariah leaned into the mat, squinting to follow blurred motion. Ricky slipped under a punch. Westly stepped forward but missed another hook. Neither landed a blow.
Better. Now the focus is on Westly and Ricky, right where it should be. Instead of being in Mariah's thoughts, we're experiencing it through her eyes. So how about the next part?
When Ricky finally managed to fake Westly out and pin him, Mariah stared in awe. It had been an amazing spectacle.
This is chock-full of telling, so I'll rewrite this with action. How exactly did Ricky win?
Ricky feigned a jab, planted his foot, and sweep kicked Westly's feet out from under him. Westly hit the mat with an oomph. Ricky dropped and pressed his elbow under Westly's chin. While both men panted, Mariah's mouth hung open.
There we are. Now we have a visual for how Ricky faked Westly out and won the match. Here comes the last part.
"Wow, you're both incredible! You looked like you could fight like that forever!"
After standing up, Mariah applauded a little.
Oh, dear. Two exclamation points (another amateur move) and an unenthusiastic "little." This should be easy.
She stood and applauded. "What incredible skill, both of you."
It says about the same thing and uses her action beat to show her awe instead of the exclamation points. Also, since her name was used already, and she's the only woman present, the pronoun "she" can be swapped for her name. Done. Put together, the rewritten version reads like this:
Mariah leaned into the mat, squinting to follow blurred motion. Ricky slipped under a punch. Westly stepped forward but missed another hook. Neither landed a blow.
Ricky feigned a jab, planted his foot, and sweep kicked Westly's feet out from under him. Westly hit the mat with an oomph. Ricky dropped and pressed his elbow under Westly's chin. While both men panted, Mariah's mouth hung open.
She stood and applauded. "What incredible skill, both of you."
And that's how a first draft gets a layer of polish. Style and attention to detail makes the entry unique. If I gave the original version to another author, their second run take would look different than mine. They may choose to focus on different sensory details, or flesh out the fight scene further.
I'll have to do more of these rewrites in the future. For now, this is just a reminder to embrace where we came from. Life is a perpetually shifting journey, and growth comes in many forms.
Keep on smilin'!
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