The word "family" can elicit more emotion than most others. Some people have large families while others never knew their birth parents. The definition shifts over the years, along with dwindled and strengthened bonds, new promises and old secrets.
To the right is me, my sister, and (I think) my cousin. I'm the kid wearing sunglasses on my cheeks as a hip fashion statement. Yes, this speaks volumes about my oddball spirit.
When I thought of family back then, I'm sure my toddler definition would have been positive. Exciting. "I have a wrinkly black dog and a big sister. Oh, and a swing set! Mommy and Daddy are great."
But life happens. People grow up, make mistakes, move away, drift away emotionally, and pass away. When I look at this picture now, probably taken in 1987 (ignore the math), I feel wistful. I wonder things like, "What would life be like now if..."
My thoughts on family now vastly differ. But if someone randomly asked me how I felt about "family?" My response would depend on the inquirer, and probably, my current mood.
Then I thought, what a brilliant character exercise. None of us (even fictional characters) can escape the influence of our formative years. When it comes to character building and writing realistic tension, portraying a character reacting to or defining the word "family" can be tough. It's so easy just to tell with an infodump such as:
Greg approached his no-good uncle, Milton, on the street. Milton paused his conversation with Greg's mother and scowled. When Greg was little, he vowed he'd never forget how Uncle Milton called Greg a nobody and that his mother would never be proud of him. But Greg proved him wrong when he was promoted to vice president.
How can we show information like that without exposition? Let's try:
Greg held his chin high and approached his mom and his uncle, Milton. The old man's eyes darted away from Greg's fine suit, the flowers Greg held in his arm. With a smile, Greg said, "Good to see you, Milton. Hi, Mom." He held the flowers to his mother, and she planted a kiss on his cheek. "My sweet boy, congratulations on your promotion." She accepted and smelled the lilies. "Why the flowers when we're celebrating you today?" she asked. Greg said, "I couldn't have gotten here without our family's support." Milton grumbled to himself.
Let's play with more hypotheticals. Picture your character sitting in a chair. The room around them is calm and quiet. "Ask" them to describe the first thing that comes to their mind when you say the word "family." Show their response with body language and tone.
"My family?" This person sighs and leans over their knees. "Let's just say I wish I'd said some things before it was too late."
"Well, I have five sisters and two brothers." Blink. "Yeah, I'm the youngest so...not much expectation there when most of my siblings have master's degrees."
This person freezes. Tears shine in their eyes, and they don't speak until they've blinked them away. "I can describe most of the phases of my life as 'before Boris' and 'after Boris'."
"We don't go there." Twitch. "Next question?"
This person grins and nods. "Man, holidays, birthdays, even just minor accomplishments are crazy. Everyone bakes! Have you ever tried apple scones with fresh almond butter?"
"Couldn't tell you much," this person says with a shrug. "I'm all I've got, and it's safer that way."
"My dogs are my family." Grin. "They only complain when they're hungry, want a walk, or have to go. And they can't steal your keys and run your car into a ditch."
This person taps a finger on their leg. "I'd love to be part of one again if they'd all just get a life and apologize."
"First my dad left, then mom remarried." They count on their fingers. "Then divorced once, twice, no—three times. Not much room for me in there, so I'm waiting for the next divorce."
An author's job is to pull emotion out of a reader. Find connections. Chances are, most people can relate to one or more of these scenarios. Even if we didn't personally experience the sense of abandonment or fondness someone has toward family, we've seen how these situations affect people.
Through life, my perspective of family will continue shifting. It's normal and inevitable. All I can do is keep working toward a better me. How others choose to treat me is on them, but I can do my best to be as kind and loving as possible. Writing realistic family connections helps me remember how important it is to nurture the healthy bonds. There will always be people who come and go. Those who are meant to stay will stay.
Keep on smilin'!
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