Isn't it incredible how we can know someone for years and still learn a surprising fact? A little curiosity goes a long way.
"When I was your age, I owned and raced horses."
"I was radio famous one Christmas season, and the local paper still prints my son's funny 'Brown Power Ranger' story in their 'best of' section."
"I went on a mission trip to Ukraine."
"I've fought and beaten cancer three times."
"No matter how many times I go through the same marriage-strengthening study, my spouse says I'm the best version of myself while we actively work through it together."
Curiosity opens the door for fascinating discussions and unlikely common ground. All too often, we judge others by appearance or one instance of less-than-exemplary behavior. I'm often guilty of trying to flee conversations without "seeing" the person underneath—the ultimate task-driven introvert curse.
But if we think long enough, we can all recall having surprising conversations both with strangers and people we've known for decades. Forced proximity (checkout line, doctor's office, etc.) are often prime places for connection, especially when phone batteries dwindle. What did people do before they had the whole world contained in a small electric box?
They chatted. Asked questions. Gossiped.
As a Jesus-follower, I commit myself daily to loving others. This means being kind, protecting people outside of conversations, and giving of myself. I don't always get it right, but the example I choose to follow daily means shooting for an abundance of selflessness. Instead of joining in that juicy gossip about who did what to whom, I challenge myself to walk away or defend the "offender." We've all been the offender at some point.
Hearing someone get kicked around makes us feel better about ourselves. Gritty details allow us to judge and draw self-righteous lines. As my pastor says, self-righteousness looks good on no one, but we've all been there. "She said that? Wow, I would never say that!"
Yes, if we're honest, we probably would say whatever "that" is. We all have gunk inside us just waiting to spill out with the right trigger.
When applied through a filter of love and acceptance, positive curiosity can be a natural cure. It gives people the benefit of the doubt instead of stands on the sidelines and points fingers.
"She said that? I wonder if she's having a bad day." Or even, "That comment must have hurt (insert victim's name). What can we do to boost them today?"
It's not a magic cure. Some people really do enjoy throwing others to the lions. Not everyone is interested in stopping gossip or working on themselves in this way. I have to remind myself of that fact. Walking away from conversations helps me stay out of them.
In the author world, showing a little grace is a tried and true method to bring characters together. For instance, say two characters have grudges against each other. Common scenarios, real and fictional, can include:
Child holds grudge against parent who was abusive/neglectful
Parent holds grudge against adult son/daughter for straying from their belief systems
Sibling holds grudge against sibling for having the perfect life they want for themselves
Coworker holds grudge against coworker for calling out their mistakes in meetings
Longtime friends finally date each other, then have a horrendous breakup
Neighbor holds grudge against neighbor for not picking up their dog's poop
I can speak from personal experience on some of these. Though I've made immense progress (always celebrate the accomplishments), I am a perpetual work in progress. Bridging the gap, refusing to demonize the "guilty" person, is a tiring endeavor—especially when the offender has no remorse. For me, it takes daily prayer for God to renew my mind toward love, forgiveness, and kindness. Others use meditation or coping. If no one is immune to bitterness, it's worth it to find a better way.
In the fictional world, it's easier to dig into these concepts. Imagined scenarios may not be personal to me, but they're extremely personal to my characters. It's an authors job to show just how personal. The deeper the grudge, the more inspiring the transformation. For example, let's burrow into the neighbor scenario.
Out their window, Neighbor 1 (N1) sees Neighbor 2 (N2) walking their dog. N2 stops, lets dog poop in N1's yard, and goes on without picking it up. N1 is furious. "Why can't they just pick it up? I shouldn't have to!" Begin story...begin grudge.
Halfway through the story, N1 partakes in neighborhood gossip all about N2. Several others on N1's street complain about N2's "deposits" and audacity to trash the area. Talk of how excrement can spread disease and make people sick flies. Tension rises. N1 feels better, rallying other neighbors against N2. (Isn't it true that this is often how we justify bad behavior? If enough people support our cause, we must be right.)
Then one neighbor speaks out, saying, "But N2 never used to do that before their hip surgery." A few neighbors quiet down. N1 is furious at the lost momentum.
The next time N1 sees N2 coming toward their yard, dog in tow, N1 is ready. N1 plans to storm outside and yell at N2 to pick up the dog's poop. Just as N1 pushes through the front door, N2 wobbles and almost falls. N2's pain shows on their face, and they grip their hip. N1 remembers what the random neighbor said about the hip surgery.
Now N1 has choices:
Continue with their plan and scold N2 for having a dog if they can't properly clean up after it
Go back inside and grumble that they'd look like a jerk if they yelled at N2 now
Move toward N2 in compassion, asking if N2 needs help.
A plethora of other choices exist, depending on N1's mental state/mood. Character backgrounds/experiences play a huge role in reactions and responses. We all have a choice to show others grace or let our pride drive us away from being curious. One question can mean the difference between forming a connection with another person and continuing on our way.
In N1's case, it could mean a redemption arc.
I often pray that I can slow down enough to make time for those around me. It's all too easy to get into my routine or stick to my plan and skip over people who may need some encouragement or help. I may miss the opportunity to make a friend or be a light to someone. Instead of rushing, I want to choose curiosity more often. Ask how someone's feeling. Ask how I can help. If a short conversation can lift someone else up, it's worth it to set myself aside and give curiosity a try.
After all, I don't want to ask my fictional characters to exercise a positive behavior I'm unwilling to model.
Keep on smilin'!
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