Routines and patterns are great.
When they work for us.
When habitual behaviors start working against us, or when something in our mental or physical health, lifestyle, or relationships needs to change, it's up to us to figure out a new way: a new method to obtain the results we want.
Due to a gluten sensitivity and desire to keep off weight I've lost, I've made countless adjustments to my workout and eating habits. This has been my breakfast for the past several months: 1/2 cup homemade yogurt, 1 tbsp ground flax seeds, 1 tbsp ground ginger, 1/4 cup of sprouted (uncooked) oat groats, a sprinkle of unsweetened dried cherries, and several raw cacao beans. I often sprinkle organic granola on top for some crunch. This is after years of cutting out processed sugar and developing a taste for bitter flavors. When I explained my breakfast to someone yesterday, her mouth dropped open. She said something to the effect of "You're the healthiest person I know."
Surely not. I still love my dark chocolate and burgers.
I found a diet loaded with fruits, veggies, nuts, seeds, and far less processed foods makes my body feel better. My dietary changes have been so gradual, I sometimes forget that not everyone focuses on health and nutrition at meals. Most people prioritize quick or cheap over substance. I used to do this more often than not. My stomach often suffered.
Then, the health advice I'd heard turned from "I should do that" into daily habits. I strive to get the most health benefits from every meal when I can. Listening to all my older volunteer friends talk about their medications and health issues while I watch them eat chips, cookies, and drink diet soda helps me stay there.
But nutritional changes are all up to me. When it comes to a relationship with another person, I can't and shouldn't be able to control all the "habits" and "ingredients." Differing POVs are opportunities to learn and grow, especially when it comes to writing.
Still, it's sometimes better to seek another way.
Getting my writing chewed up and spit out for the sake of learning is all fine—until I started wondering why I write in the first place. Once the writing basics are in place, it comes down to style and preference on a critiquer's end. Not every critique is tactful, kind, or even helpful; many have made me feel like giving up writing all together. This is never a healthy place to hover.
It has also taught me to be encouraging with my critiques, even if I don't vibe with a piece of written material.
I recently started using a website called Critique Match. It's free to join and post pieces of written work. Once you connect with someone who reads in similar genres, you can swap anything from a single chapter to an entire manuscript. For each batch you swap, you get to control what type of feedback you would like such as "character feedback" and "grammar." Once a critique is submitted, the receiver can then grade it based on how the critique partner's comments addressed the requested feedback areas.
If the feedback isn't as helpful as you hoped, you can simply thank the partner for their time and unpair. They do not keep a record of your chats or written work.
This method has worked a little better for me than getting my work torn apart by people with lots of opinions and no reason to hold them back. The grading system on Critique Match encourages people to be more respectful with their comments.
Thus far, I have only had to give someone four out of five stars once. When they asked me why they lost a star for their "very detailed critique they spent a lot of time on," I was honest: their constant harping on not being able to picture a scene exactly how they wanted was discouraging. I've had multiple critique partners read the same section, and no one mentioned a lack of clarity. Quite the opposite. It was obvious that particular partner only liked stories written a certain way. That's fine, but it's not fine to ask someone to rewrite theirs in that "certain way." We were not a good match as partners, so we unpaired and moved on.
But that person was also outside my target audience. I pay more attention to feedback from people who read and/or write in my genre. Each user on Critique Match can list all their favorite genres on their profile, so it makes it easier to tell at a glance if someone might enjoy your work.
The fact remains: we all have opinions and need to be careful with them. Over the past few years, I'm doing much better picking out sound writing advice from "rewrite this my way" comments, but it can still be frustrating. Finding balance is a must.
For my fellow authors out there, I still recommend searching for at least one solid critique partner. It will take time, but the results are worth it. Several of my books would not be what they are today without that outside feedback—without my willingness to set my pride aside and weigh another's opinion about a character/scene/plot device.
It's an intimidating exercise in humility, but the result is a better version of a story I hope to someday share with the world.
Keep on smilin'!
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